Fat Assassins (The Fat Adventure Series) Read online

  We looked down at Bubba in his Eddie Bauer outfit yelling at the top of his lungs and joined in with the cheers. Now we were really torn between friend loyalty and women’s liberation!

  “Clarence ‘Cornnut’ Maple is a racing veteran and holds the title for most wins at the Dirty Beaver racetrack. We’ll see if these youngsters can stop the record holder!”

  Betty stood up and whistled over the crowd cheers. We clapped diplomatically since we did like him.

  “The sixth and final spot will be driven by Johnny Mueller. He’s a last minute stand-in for Michael Shomacker of Tornado, WV. We’ve never seen Johnny chasing anything but women, so this should be an interesting race.”

  Johnny drove the car around the track and stopped in front of our bleachers to blow Ulyssa a kiss. All the girls sighed and purred at his display of affection. I looked at Ulyssa glaring at him with fury, not affection, as he drove over to join the pack.

  Heavy metal music rocked through the speakers as the cars took their place on the starting line and burned through the starter lap. The music faded as the drivers completed the circle and the green flag signaled the start of the race. The massive roar nearly shook me off the end of the bleachers. I scooted both cheeks back onto the metal seating and watched as the cars began maneuvering for position. Johnny’s inexperience was evident as he quickly moved to the back of the pack. Becky managed to grab the inside position on the turn blocking Cornnut from passing her. This forced Mitchell and Rob high onto the outside. That was just the first lap of thirty! This was going to be a great race. The next laps continued much the same way. Becky in the lead, Cornnut jockeying for second, Rob and Mitchell fighting for third. Johnny trying not to get lapped.

  Tamera and Jennifer had closed up the concession stand and were standing at the edge of the bleachers cheering on the racers. As the racers turned the corner for the twenty-fifth lap, Tamera jumped forward and pulled up her airbrushed tank top flashing the drivers. I think she was trying to give Rob a competitive edge, but it caused him to drive straight into the wall. A white flag waved to caution the other drivers while everyone worked to pull the wrecked car off the track. Rob yelled at her until she started crying as they followed the car into the pit area. The cars regrouped in the position order and made another lap before the green flag kicked off the final laps. Each lap was a quarter of a mile, so it only took the cars about fifteen seconds per turn. The final minutes were exhilarating as Cornnut and Becky battled for first. Mitchell was pretty much guaranteed a third place finish at this point. Cornnut cut in front of Becky on the next lap and continued to weave so she couldn’t pass him. He held the lead for the next lap, then they alternated leads. On the final lap, they came out of the back stretch neck and neck. The crowd went nuts as the checkered flag dropped on the photo finish.

  The only problem is, Beaver hadn’t installed cameras for a situation like this, so a giant argument erupted down on the field about the winner. The audience quieted down waiting to hear the results. The anonymous voice declared Becky the winner and the crowd ran onto the field led by Bubba. He ran over grabbing her in a big hug as she hoisted the trophy above her head. The Nitro Daily reporter tried snapping photos and asking questions to get a quote from her, but she walked over and shook hands with Cornnut, Mitchell and Johnny. Cornnut didn’t look happy about losing, but seemed to have a newfound respect for Becky.

  We ran down and congratulated Mitchell on his third place finish. He seemed pretty happy with his miniature trophy and fifty dollar winnings.

  “You were awesome!” Tater exclaimed, slapping him on the back.

  Mitsy gave him a hug saying, “Congrats!”

  Sam, Ulyssa and I slapped him high fives.

  “Thanks for coming out to cheer for me! I could hear y’alls big mouths over the cars!” he joked. “Anybody want to go out and celebrate?”

  “Not us. We got an early day tomorrow,” Ulyssa declined for us.

  “I’m game,” Tater said.

  “Me too,” Sam and Mitsy both added.

  “Y’all have some fun for us too!” I said.

  We made our way back to the Pinto and joined the line of cars waiting to exit the parking lot.

  Our blissful state evaporated as soon as we saw the familiar towncar parked outside the trailer. We stomped up the stairs and swung the door open. Joey and his sidekick were sitting on our couch drinking blended mochas. Our left over adrenaline from the races seemed to downplay the danger of having two mafia goons hanging out in our trailer.

  “Hey guys!” Ulyssa said, dropping her purse and keys on the counter. “How can we help you? No redecorating this time?”

  “Nah. This is just a courtesy visit to let you know that Nicolo is tired of waiting on yous, so he hired some other exterminators. You got some competition now, so yous might want to step it up a notch,” Joey explained, scrapping the rest of his mocha from the glass.

  “Did you try the hazelnut or plain mocha mix?” I asked.

  “Mocha. I didn’t even see the hazelnut. Maybe I’ll try it next time,” he responded.

  “You should. The hazelnut is my favorite. It’s really good if you add some Kahlua.”

  Ulyssa shot me a shut-it look.

  “Well thanks for the heads up and for not trashing our trailer again. But if you’ll excuse us, we have a big day tomorrow,” she said, holding open the door, waiting for them to get off the couch and leave. They sat their glasses in the sink and walked to the door.

  “Gawd!” Ulyssa cursed, stomping over to plop down on the couch.

  I sat down next to her adding, “Yeah. My stress level just went through the roof again. How are we supposed to compete will real assassins?”

  “I don’t know. I’m all out of ideas too. We’ve tried all of Hollywood’s recommendations and none of them worked.”

  “No kidding. We’ve almost been killed three times now and we’re no closer to offing Marcus!”

  “I wonder why they didn’t trash the trailer again.”

  We both sat upright and ran to the bathroom. Ulyssa grabbed the Tampax box and pulled the lid back.

  “Damnit!” she exclaimed, pulling out a note.

  Either you owe me $11,000 or I owe you $29,000. You decide.

  “Oh no!”

  “Things just got a little more complicated.”

  We were sitting at the Starbuck’s outdoor patio mulling over the latest complication in our job when loud motor reverberations began shaking the whip cream on my mocha.

  “What the...” Ulyssa stopped talking, as a leather clad driver steered a sleek black motorcycle into a nearby parking spot. The slender driver dismounted the bike pulling the helmet from her head.

  “Wow.”

  What is a movie star doing in Nitro?

  She moved across the street with deliberate smoothness and sat down at our table. “So, you’re the competition?” she asked, the steely undertones in her voice making my spine go rigid.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Ulyssa responded, putting on her tough girl exterior, but she was no match for this woman.

  “Cut the shit! I know who you are and what you were hired to do.” She leaned back in the chair crossing her booted ankles before continuing, “And now I’m here to do the job, since you can’t finish.”

  “We’re halfway through! You can’t just come in here and take over,” Ulyssa bristled.

  “There’s no halfway. Either he’s dead or he’s not. And he’s not.” She turned her deadly gaze towards me adding, “I’m not surprised. You’re clearly not assassin material.” She extended her arms and flicked her fingers, like she was about to attack. “Killing you certainly won’t bring any honor.”

  I found my voice asking, “Killing us? You don’t even know us. Why would you kill us?”

  “My orders are to kill you after I kill Marcus.”

  “What if we kill him first?” I asked.

  She shrugged saying, “I doubt you will, but if you do, you get to liv
e.”

  “Are we supposed to kill you after we kill Marcus?” Ulyssa asked.

  This made the movie star laugh, “Hardly. I’ve done work for Nicolo in the past, so he trusts me. You two are wildcards. You’ll have to do the job to earn his trust. And live.”

  “If you’re so great, why didn’t he hire you instead of us?” Ulyssa poked.

  “I was unavailable, so to speak.”

  “Can’t you just let us do the job? I mean you don’t want to kill us, remember no honor in it, and we don’t want to die...” I reasoned.

  “It’s business. I get paid to do the job. And I get paid well.”

  “We’ll give you $30,000 not to kill us.”

  “No dice! I get $50,000 for doing the whole job.”

  “You’re getting $50,000? We got gipped!” Ulyssa protested.

  “Our future murderer is sitting across the table from us and you’re worried about the money?” I asked.

  “She’s only our future murderer if we don’t finish the job!”

  “Just be glad it’s me killing you. I’ll make it quick and painless. The Russians will probably be here tomorrow and they’re not as nice as me.”

  “Russians?”

  “Yeah, they do odd jobs for Nicolo too. But they’re especially unpredictable, so he hasn’t been using them much lately.”

  “Why Russians?”

  “They’re good. And it’s tough tying them back to the family,” she explained, leaning forward in her seat. “Just like I’m Canadian. Heading straight North after this job.”

  I thought Canadians were supposed to be nice!

  “Hate to bust up the party, but I’ve got a job to do.” Standing up, she added, “I’ll be seeing you later.”

  My heart stopped.

  “Not if we see you first.”

  Did Ulyssa just threaten a professional assassin? Great!

  My determination increased as the reverberations of the motorcycle muffler evaporated into the distance.

  “Did you see how buff she was? She could kill us with her bare hands!”

  “We need to do this. And do it fast!” Ulyssa exclaimed, chugging her drink. “Finish your drink. We’re going back to the library.”

  It was Monday, so we were stuck waiting behind Ruth again. It must’ve been a lonely weekend because she was taking forever to finish her online romance session.

  So much for acting fast!

  I killed time talking with Jennifer to find out why she was hanging out with the snobs at Buck’s.

  “Good Morning!” I said, leaning on the counter.

  “Hey Shasta!” she answered, in her exaggerated Southern accent. “Y’all waiting on the Internet again? You may want to come back later. Ruth seems really chatty today.”

  “I figured I’d hang out and talk to you while we waited. Unless you’re busy?”

  “Nah. There ain’t too much to do here once you’ve stocked the books and cleaned the desks.”

  “Do you ever get bored?”

  “Sometimes. But it’s kinda cool getting to see all the different types of books people check out.”

  “Really?” I asked, with genuine surprise. I had never considered being a Librarian an interesting psychology study.

  “Yeah. Take George Dilford. He’s always checking out Chemistry books. I never took him for book smart, but maybe he’s a scientist or something.”

  “Yup. I bet he has a Chemistry lab in his house making all kinds of concoctions.” More like a meth lab. I didn’t say it out loud because Jennifer seemed naive and I didn’t want to be the one to tell her the whole town is crazy.

  “You’re parents are always checking out Botany books, but that makes sense since they run the fruit stand.” She leaned forward and whispered, “Ruth has a bunch of yoga and sex books that are overdue.”

  I retched, making her laugh.

  “I know! But apparently she’s a hot ticket in the 70+ club. And let’s see... Bob and Billy have been looking at police and martial arts books lately.”

  “Ha. That’s explains their tear gas attack on Saturday! Can you believe that?”

  “Yeah. I can’t believe they didn’t get arrested!”

  “They didn’t?”

  “No, Buck didn’t press charges since he said that knocking out Salvo with the gas saved the bar from being destroyed in a fight. He said that woulda been a lot more dangerous than some tear gas. He even offered everyone a free round once the bar has been properly ventilated.”

  “Wow! That’s nice of him!”

  “Yeah. Daddy is pretty cool when it comes to that kinda stuff.”

  “Were you having fun until the evacuation?”

  “It was okay. Virginia and her friends are kinda dull. I’m not sure why she even invited me. I’m not even in their age group.”

  “You guys aren’t friends?”

  “Nah. She spent Saturday morning, hanging out and reading the latest fashion magazines. On her way out, she asked if I wanted to hang out with them at karaoke. I never really get invited to anything, so I said sure. It was really boring, but it looked like you guys were having a lot of fun.”

  I didn’t realize how lonely she’d been. “You can hang out with us anytime you want. Just be warned that we’re raving mad!”

  She gave me a big grin. “Thanks! That’d be really cool.”

  “She is taking forever!” I said, glaring at Ruth. “I’m gonna go see what Ulyssa is up to.”

  I walked to back of the library and found Ulyssa seated in one of the armchairs, reading Cosmo.

  “Ok. You need to do this quiz! I think it explains a few things!” she said, handing me the folded up magazine.

  I looked down at the page.

  Is Stress Making You Bitchy?

  “Whatever!” I said, throwing the magazine back at her.

  I grabbed a People magazine and sat down in the chair opposite her. “It doesn’t look like Ruth is leaving anytime soon.”

  We sat there reading quietly for the next half hour before Jennifer came back to let us know that Ruth was off the computer.

  “Go ahead. I want to finish this article on Sandra Bullock real quick. Did you know she drives a Prius?”

  Ulyssa rolled her eyes and walked away.

  I finished the section on her automotive choices and flipped the page to read about her childhood. My hand stopped mid-flip. A giant photo of Buck’s wife in a long, sequined gown was the main focus of the follow-on story. I read the fine print below her photo:

  Mia Taylor received an Emmy nomination for her portrayal of Alexis Fuqua on General Hospital. Mia caught the director’s eye seven years ago when she debuted on Stranded. The audience remembers her for her flirtatious attitude at camp that earned her a spot in the final four. She was voted off the island by her all male alliance, who decided it would be dangerous to take a sexy woman to the finals. Shortly after the show aired, she was selected to start filming the medical based soap opera series. She’s in the running with Lisa Morena (Guiding Light), Felicia Vasilly (All My Children) and Casey Livingstead (The Bold and The Beautiful).

  That explains why Virginia is being all friendly with Jennifer! If Mia wins, she’ll probably get loads of interviews and the media will be very interested in her hometown. Virginia was probably hoping for a little bit of television time. I wonder if Buck or Jennifer know how well Mia’s doing in Hollywood, or if they even care.

  Buck bought his bar a few years ago when Mia ran off to Hollywood for her ‘shot’ on one of those reality TV shows. He took his half of the divorce settlement and got his shot - Buck’s Shot. It’s the best (and only) bar around for thirty miles because it’s on the edge of two dry counties, so he’s rich by small town standards. It’s a good thing too, since he’d been raising Jennifer on his own over the past six years. Jennifer inherited his gentle temperament and I’ve always felt a little protective of her, even though she’s twenty-one. I ripped the page out of the magazine to show Ulyssa later when Jennifer couldn’t overhear us.<
br />
  Ulyssa was scrolling through Google search results when I walked up to the computer.

  “I think I found some good stuff,” she said, printing off a couple pages on the antique black and white printer. She ran another quick search and printed two more pages. She folded the papers and shoved them into her jacket pocket. She did a few more searches, clicked on some of the links and spent a few minutes looking at the pages. I was so distracted by the Mia news, I didn’t pay attention to what she was doing.

  “Ready?” she asked, standing up abruptly and walking over to the counter.

  “Did you have luck finding what you were looking for?” Jennifer asked.

  “Yeah. But I’m a little disappointed. We were looking for information on local colleges. Thinking about going back to school, so we can get a good job. But it looks like we already missed the deadlines for fall enrollment. We’ll have wait and apply for the spring semester now.”

  “Huh?” What the hell is Ulyssa talking about? We’re not going back to school!

  They both ignored me and kept talking.

  “That’s good that you’re thinking about going to school. Don’t get discouraged! You can do it!”

  “Aw, thanks! You’re so sweet. Aren’t you going to college over in Charleston?”

  “Yup. A few nights a week. Just started last semester though and I’m still undecided on my major. But I’m thinking about liberal arts.”

  I’m starting to think Buck and Jennifer are the only folks in town not on the hustle. I felt another stab of guilt about stealing the magazine article about her mom.

  “That’s cool. I may ask you for some advice when we get ready to enroll.”

  “Sure. No problem.”

  “Here’s fifty cents for the papers,” Ulyssa said, laying two quarters on the desk. “Talk to ya later.”

  Unsure of what just happened, I followed Ulyssa out the door without a comment.

  “Just keep walking. I’ll explain when we’re somewhere safe.”

  Five steps later we were in the car and I was going nuts with curiosity over her coded delay tactic. “Okay. What’s up?”