Fat Assassins (The Fat Adventure Series) Read online

  “It’s too early in the morning for this kinda stress.”

  The clock on the dashboard was glowing 09:00 confirming Ulyssa’s proclamation.

  It’s way too early in the morning for this kinda stress.

  “Let’s head home and get cleaned up. I need to get out of these pajamas.”

  After showering, we drove back out to the bridge, so we could talk without worrying about being bugged.

  “We need a way to find out what’s going on with the investigation. We need to know when they’re getting close to us.”

  “Don’t look at me. I’m not going undercover,” I responded.

  “You’re the only one with connections.”

  “Connections?”

  “You sure got Agent McCallister’s attention. Maybe you can use your womanly wiles to get more information outta him.”

  “Seriously?”

  She nodded.

  “Gawd! I can’t stand him. He’s such a arrogant jerk!”

  She kept looking at me.

  “What are you gonna do while I’m undercover?”

  “I’ll work on a plan for us to finish the job. We need a really good plan and we need it fast!”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  “Maybe you can meet him for lunch today?”

  “We’ll head downtown and walk around. Hopefully, we’ll run into them cause I’m not calling him,” I said, turning to stomp down the catwalk.

  We sat down in a booth and ordered a cup of tea. Only truckers and convicts drank Maybel’s coffee which closely resembles crude oil. The diner was abuzz with the excitement of last night’s explosion and the presence of federal agents. We tried to catch tidbits of useful information, but it was mainly conspiracy theories and speculation about suspects. After finishing up our tea and we decided to take a stroll down main street window shopping. While admiring the new inventory at the Dollar General store, two suits joined us at the window.

  “Good afternoon, ladies!” Agent Romero said.

  “Almost didn’t recognize you fully dressed,” McCallister quipped, earning him a glare.

  Ulyssa elbowed me in the ribs.

  “Hey. What’s up?”

  “That’s the most civil thing you’ve said to me yet,” he grinned.

  “Don’t get used to it!”

  Another elbow.

  “Most women find agents mysterious and attractive,” he replied, lowering his voice.

  “Ha. You’ve never even shot anyone. How mysterious does that make you?”

  “Ouch. I’m wounded,” he exaggerated, placing his hand over his heart. “I’m starting to wonder if you’re putting up these walls because you have something to hide.”

  “These two are the sweetest girls in town,” Deputy Hodde said, joining the group.

  They exchanged handshakes and introductions.

  “FBI, huh? Didn’t reckon that explosion would get so much attention from the bigwigs.”

  “Any attack against infrastructure gets the President’s attention,” McCallister answered.

  “Hahahaaa. That old station? Infrastructure? That thing is about thirty years old, only used for failover testing.”

  “It’s still a very dangerous situation and we’re here to investigate.”

  “Well, we’ll sure do what we can to help since it’s a matter of National Security ‘n such.”

  He turned to me saying, “Haven’t seen you in a while. How ya been?”

  “Good. Just been busy.”

  McCallister stared from me to Eric and up’d the ante. “So, we going on a date?”

  I looked from Eric to McCallister unable to breath. Everyone stood there waiting to hear my response. Another sharp elbow from Ulyssa reminded me what I needed to do.

  “Sure.” I grumbled.

  Eric looked stunned.

  “How about tonight? Let’s say six o’clock. Where do you recommend?”

  “Sonic.”

  “Sonic? Never heard of it.”

  “It’s a 50’s style restaurant at the end of main street. I’ll meet you there at five,” I answered, in short, clipped tones.

  “You don’t want to pick me up at the motel?”

  I wanted to punch him, but I restrained myself. I didn’t want to add assault to my growing list of crimes.

  “No? Any chance you’ll wear my favorite pajamas?” Now he was just taunting Eric. And he was rising to the bait judging from the way he was openly glaring at McCallister. Ulyssa and Romero watched as the guys seemed seconds aways from locking horns over me.

  “C’mon McCallister. We’ve got to test the communication links and start coordinating evidence collection,” Romero said, forcing a peaceful disengagement.

  “I’ll see YOU later,” he said, winking at me as they walked off without saying anything else to Eric.

  “FBI agents!” he muttered. “They think they can just waltz into town and take whatever they want. They have no consideration for the locals.” I wasn’t sure if he was talking about me or the investigation. “I better go let the Sheriff know that these guys are going to be trouble,” he pause,d before walking off. “It was good seeing you again.”

  “Holy shit! That criminal cooty-cat of yours is krypotnite for lawmen.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said, still annoyed that I couldn’t date Deputy Hodde, but had to date McCallister.

  “You haven’t had a real boyfriend in years and now that you’re a criminal, law enforcement officers are practically street brawling over you.”

  “Very funny. I’m doomed to die an old, lonely woman because of our illegal escapades. Maybe I should get a cat.”

  I was still feeling sorry for myself as I dressed for dinner.

  “You’re wearing that on your date with Agent McCallister? I thought you were supposed to be trying to seduce information outta him.”

  I looked down at my conservative clothes asking, “What’s wrong with my outfit?”

  “Nothing, if he’s got a thing for librarians!”

  I decided she was right and went to change.

  “Better?”

  “Damn! That’s more like it!”

  I was wearing my snug, black button-up shirt tucked into dark bootcut jeans. The outfit was accented with black boots, hoop earrings and a small silver heart necklace.

  “Oh, wait,” she said, unbuttoning the top button, pulling the collars apart. “There ya go. You look dangerous now. He’ll tell you anything you want to know.”

  “You sure I’m not too overdressed for Sonic?”

  “Nah. You look like a sexpot!”

  I arrived early so I could grab a seat on one of the outdoor benches. I didn’t want McCallister to get any ideas about me sitting in his car for dinner. I shivered wishing I’d worn a thicker jacket.

  McCallister strutted up to the table. “Wow. Don’t you look sexy?”

  “I thought you city boys were supposed to be smooth. From what I’ve seen, most of your pickup lines are amateur,” I taunted him. “Let’s get dinner.”

  “How does this place work?” he asked, looking around. “Is this the only place to sit?”

  “You can eat here or in your car,” I answered, pointing to folks who were eating dinner from the comfort of their warm cars.

  He caught my shiver offering, “We could eat in the Suburban, if you want.”

  “No way. I’m not getting into an enclosed space with you again.”

  “What? Do I make you nervous?”

  Yes. “No. You annoy me and it takes every ounce of self control to not punch you!”

  “Okay. Okay. Let’s take our sparring gloves off and just enjoy some dinner. Please call me Jake.”

  We ordered burgers, fries and cokes from the roller skating waitress.

  “How are things going with the investigation?”

  “Pretty good. We’ve got a couple leads we’re looking into.”

  “Ohh. Sounds really interesting,” I gushed, fluttering my eyelashes at hi
m, making him stared at me suspiciously.

  “Are you being nice to me?”

  “Just pretending to be interested in your work.”

  “I can’t tell you much since it’s an ongoing investigation. You’d probably get more information watching the news.”

  “Have you talked to any of the locals yet?”

  “We spent most of the day collecting and documenting evidence. Followed a lead to Hurricane and spent the day interviewing Home Depot employees. It’s been a long day already.”

  “Tell me about it.”

  “Doesn’t seem like you’ve had too hard of a day. You helped fish us out of the lake and now we’re on a date,” he said eating a few french fries. “We haven’t talked about you very much and I know women love to talk about themselves. What type of work do you do?”

  “Consulting.”

  “What type of consulting do you?”

  “Um. Problem resolution and process improvement.”

  “Working on anything interesting?”

  “You could say that.”

  I chewed on a bite of burger trying to buy myself some more time. I almost choked when I saw a familiar black towncar parked in a handicap spot across the street.

  I’ve got to find out where they got that handicap parking tag.

  “I’m sorry. What were you saying?” I asked, reverting my attention back to the conversation.

  “I was saying I need the bathroom. Is there one in the building or do I have to go somewhere else?”

  “I think they have one around back.”

  “I’ll be right back.” He stood up and made his way behind the building.

  I looked at Joey and made a gun sign with my hand pointing it at him. He just kept staring at me. Dang, he’s not getting it. He’s gonna get us both caught. I brought my right hand up and made a V with my pointer and middle finger. I pointed the V towards my eyes then at them. Still nothing. I finally waved my hand back ‘n forth in front of my neck signaling that they were going to get us killed. I shrugged and dropped my hands as McCallister came back to the table.

  “So, where were we?”

  “Got room for one more?” Eric asked loudly, stepping off the sidewalk and sitting at the outdoor picnic table. He was still in his police uniform making my knees go weak.

  “Sure.”

  “No!”

  I stole another look at the goons still parked in the handicap spot. A familiar motorcycle pulled up next to them. I could see the Canadian leaning over to talk to Joey. She righted the motorcycle and stared across the street at our table. I raised my hand and gave her a friendly wave.

  Maybe I could change her mind about killing us.

  She disregarded my friendly gesture, gunned her motorcycle engine and started down main street in the direction of our trailer.

  I shuddered. I hope Ulyssa is in a safe place.

  “You cold?” Eric asked.

  Both guys jumped up to offer me their jackets.

  McCallister put his suit jacket over me first then Eric laid his police coat over the top of it. Joey’s eyes turned into reflective saucers when he saw the government issue gun strapped across McCallister’s back. After adjusting the pile of coats, I looked up and the car was gone.

  “How’s the investigation going Agent McCallister? We haven’t seen any official reports yet even though this is supposed to be a joint task force initiative. At least that’s what the fax from FBI headquarters said.”

  Both men wore stone cold masks, like it was some sort of World Series of Poker match. “There isn’t much information I can share at this time. It looks like the work of professionals. The mixture is popular with terrorists because the materials are low key and readily available,” McCallister said, sizing up Hodde before adding, “I’m not sure why they targeted the electrical station though. I’d have thought they’d go after some of the chemical factories for higher visibility. Any ideas?”

  “What if it was an accident?” I tried to interject, but they just kept talking over me.

  “Hmmm. I don’t know. We have a few activists in town. You might want to start with them. Maybe they’re trying to make a statement. Stop by the office in the morning and I’ll give you the names and addresses. Anything I can do to help find these criminals?”

  I sat there sweating under the pile of jackets half-listening as Jake finally gave up trying to get Eric to leave.

  “Do you have plans tomorrow?”

  I was startled out of my daydream of exacting revenge on Ulyssa. “What?”

  “Do you want to go on another date tomorrow night? Since this one was so rudely interrupted.”

  I felt a ghost elbow to the ribcage. “Sure.”

  “How about Pizza Hut at seven?”

  “Sounds good.”

  We all stood up and I handed them their jackets back.

  “Y’all have a goodnight!” I said, rudely walking off while they finalized their investigation plans for tomorrow.

  Eric seemed frustrated that Jake had secured another date with me, but he suppressed it saying, “Stop by the station about 9AM and I’ll have that info ready for you.”

  I breathed a sigh of relief when I got back to the trailer and Ulyssa was watching cable. “I saw the Canadian again tonight heading this direction and I was worried she was coming after you.”

  “I’m glad I was out-and-about then. I definitely wouldn’t want to face her alone.”

  I was completely exhausted by the time I had recapped the dinner date to Ulyssa. We sat on the couch waiting on the 8 o’clock news before going to bed. The explosion wasn’t even headline news, the FBI must be keeping a close hold on the information. We were about to switch the TV off when breaking news stopped us.

  “Law enforcement is currently seeking a person of interest connected with suspected terrorist activities. The person of interest pictured here is suspected to be the mastermind behind the operation.”

  The screen flashed to a photo of Tater on the lawnmower wearing his red and white checkered turban. The turban covered his entire face except for a pair of giant aviator shades covering his eyes. He looked fresh out of the terrorist training camps. The camera cut back to the anchorwoman.

  “The suspect led police on a brief car chase around Hurricane after he unlawfully acquired home made bomb materials from Home Depot. His lawnmower getaway was aided by an alleged accomplice depicted here.”

  A mugshot of a pissed off Roberta flashed on the screen.

  “Police have her in custody, but have been unable to elicit any information about the terrorist mastermind. Tune in at 11PM to hear what neighbors have to say about Ms. Smith and her possible connection to Al Qaeda.”

  We muted the television, trying to absorb everything.

  “You don’t have to say it. I’ve got another date with him tomorrow night!”

  We both jumped off the couch when a loud knock sounded at the door. Ulyssa peeked out the window saying, “It’s the goons!”

  I pulled my jacket back on to conceal the gun and nodded for her to open the door.

  “Sorry to disturb yous girls so late, but we need to talk to yous tonight.”

  I sat down on a kitchen stool, ready to pull the gun if things got out of hand.

  “C’mon in. At least you knocked this time,” Ulyssa replied, stepping aside so they could walk in.

  “Want a mocha?” I offered.

  “Not tonight. This isn’t a social call.” The heavy weight of my gun made me feel oddly secure.

  “It’s too hot,” the unnamed goon spoke.

  “What is your name?” Ulyssa asked, looking at him pointedly.

  “Donnie!”

  “Okay, Donnie! We like it hot. Keeping it hot is just one of the ways we make sure that only folks we want to, stick around.” We kept the trailer at a comfortable seventy-two degrees and Ulyssa seemed annoyed he was trying to tell us what to do in our own home. “So, if you don’t like temperature, I’d recommend you leave?”

  “That�
��s what we’re here to talk to you about,” Joey interrupted. “We stopped by because the boss wanted to talk to Shasta.” He dialed a number and mumbled a greeting into the phone before handing it to me.

  “Heya!”

  “Howdy!”

  “I hears you’re a real La Femme Nikita!”

  “Did you want something?” I asked, shrugging at Ulyssa.

  “Yous brought the heat to town when I threatened to hire more exterminators. Well played. I know yous girls are professionals now, so I’m pulling my guys back. I expect to see yous in Atlantic City on Tuesday AFTER you finish the job. I’ll be at the Showboat Casino waiting. We’ll know when you get here. Put Joey back on the phone.”

  I handed the cell phone back to Joey. “He wants to talk to you.”

  “Yes, boss.”

  A brief pause.

  “Okay. Yes, boss,” he paused, flipping the phone shut.

  “We’re heading back to Atlantic City tonight. Yous are on your own,” he continued, as they turned to leave. “Be careful. We kinda like yous. You’re tough girls!”

  “Aw. Thanks. Nice to finally meet you Donnie,” I said, giving him a smile.

  “Buh-bye now,” Ulyssa cut-in, shutting the door on them.

  We flopped down on the couch. “Wow. That explosion was a blessing and a curse. At least we don’t have to worry about other assassins finishing the job before us.”

  “Yeah. We just have to worry about avoiding two national task forces,” I said.

  “But you’ve got the golden cooty-cat. It’ll be no problem!”

  We decided to split up for the morning after finishing our blended mochas. Ulyssa’s working on her super secret plan and I’m doing undercover surveillance around town. I grabbed my favorite notebook and headed to Maybel’s Diner for a mid-morning breakfast.

  Jackpot.

  A couple of suits were sitting at the bar when I walked in. I wasn’t sure if they were FBI or DHS, but it didn’t matter as long as they were chatty. Maybel had a way of getting folks to tell her all kinds of secrets. If she’d been born a man - she would have made a great priest. I sat close enough to hear their conversation, hoping she would work her magic on these agents, especially since the whole town was curious about the investigation.