Fat Assassins (The Fat Adventure Series) Read online

“Yeah. I’m not sure exactly what happened, but I don’t think it’s tied to transnational terrorism. Maybe local activists or gang wars. We’ve got a few more leads to follow tomorrow.”

  “That’s enough shop talk. Let’s order some food. What kind of pizza do you like?” Jake asked.

  “Cheese and black olives,” I answered.

  “I like extra pepperoni,” Ulyssa said.

  “Pepperoni for me too,” Eric said.

  Jake waved to the waitress, placing our order, “We’ll do a medium extra cheese with black olives on half and a medium extra pepperoni. Thanks.”

  Eric turned to me asking, “So, what were you up to today?”

  “Umm,” I stalled, unprepared to talk about my undercover work today.

  “Boss! Boss!” Bob and Billy yelled as they came rushing up to the table wearing their Sherlock costumes. “We think we found some important evidence,” they continued, waving some hairy melted plastic at Jake.

  “We found these at the scene of the crime.”

  “Yeah. We think they might be the disguises for the terrorists.”

  Ulyssa and I inhaled simultaneously.

  Damn!

  Jake leaned back in his chair and sighed impatiently. “What were you doing at the crime scene? I hope you didn’t destroy any evidence!”

  “But... look...” Bob stammered.

  “Even if that’s real evidence it would be inadmissible now because you’ve contaminated it.”

  Whew.

  “What if... the Mexicans that Roberta keeps talking about weren’t Mexicans at all. Maybe they were wearing these as a disguise,” Bob persisted, waving our disguises in our faces while we watched them like a couple of wide-eye cat clocks.

  How did these two figure it out?

  Ulyssa let out a nervous burp.

  “We appreciate your support guys, but most criminals don’t wear kiddie costumes.” Jake sounded like an impatient parent talking to a small child. “They use ski masks and professional makeup kits.”

  Bob and Billy looked dejected. They turned and left the pizza place throwing the glasses in the trash on the way out the door. Ulyssa stopped burping. The waitress laid the pizzas on the table and handed each guy a pizza server. They slid two slices onto the plates and handed them around.

  Eric asked his question again, “So, what have y’all been doing all day?”

  Ready this time, I said, “Not much. Just some job hunting.”

  “You’re not working right now?” Jake asked. “I thought you were a consultant.”

  I’m so not good at lying.

  “No. I was a consultant, quit a couple weeks back. We’ve been living on savings while we look for jobs.”

  “You’re both unemployed?” Jake didn’t realize how rude he was acting right now. Or maybe I was just being ultra-sensitive.

  “I could get you a job at the Police Station. Mary Lou is about to have her baby. You could be the dispatcher/secretary until she gets off maternity leave. Maybe you’ll have another job by then,” Eric offered.

  “I don’t know... maybe,” I answered.

  “I could call my boss and see if anything is open in the FBI Charleston field office. No promises, but I could check it out. Would you be eligible for a clearance?”

  “Clearance?”

  “Yeah. They just run a background check to make sure you don’t have a criminal or espionage background. If you’ve lived in Nitro all your lives, getting a clearance should be easy.”

  I was so shocked, I choked on my Diet Coke but Ulyssa answered, “We’ve got a couple interviews next week. We’ll let you know how they go.”

  “Ok. Just give me a shout if you need any help.”

  “Me too,” Eric added.

  “Um. Thanks,” Ulyssa said, steering the conversation to a safer topic. “Where are you originally from, Jake?”

  “Originally? California. I spent four years in the Air Force stationed in Nebraska. After that I applied to the FBI and went through Quantico. I’ve been in Washington D.C. ever since.”

  “Do you ever go back to California?”

  “Every other year. My parents passed away a few years ago and it’s only my sister and her family out there now. Her husband doesn’t like me very much, so I send the kids presents and visit every other year. It’s usually pretty awkward when I show up.”

  “Why doesn’t he like you?”

  “I beat him up in high school.”

  “What?”

  “He was a bully, picking on some Freshmen, so I gave him a good taste of his own medicine.”

  “Wow. You’ve always had a strong sense of justice, huh?”

  “I guess so. Maybe that explains why I ended up with the FBI. I don’t believe in gray areas. It’s either right or wrong. Hearing criminal excuses over the past few years has only reinforced that belief. Criminals always have an angle or excuse. Like they were backed into a corner and didn’t have a choice. I don’t believe that. We all have a choice.”

  I felt little beads of sweat forming along my hairline. Please don’t let him find out we’re working for the mob as assassins. There’d be no mercy.

  “Did it work?” Ulyssa asked.

  “What?”

  “Beating him up.”

  “Oh. Yeah. He stopped bullying people, but he never really forgave me.”

  “How did he end up marrying your sister?”

  “He started dating her after I joined the Air Force. He seems to love her, so I leave him alone. But I’m waiting for the day when he gets out of line with her or the kids, then he’s gonna get another dose.” He grabbed a slice of his pizza. “But enough about me. I want to hear stories about Shasta.”

  Ulyssa started laughing, “There are plenty of Shasta stories. You’ll have to pick a topic!”

  I gave her a warning look.

  “How about Shasta in high school?”

  “Ohhh. Good choice! I’ve got the perfect story.”

  I felt my face starting to change colors.

  “We used to wait on the high school steps after the school bus dropped us off. One morning we were sitting there and I noticed something sticking to the back of her sweater. It was a pair of red lacy underwear,” she said, howling with laughter.

  “You being the great friend you are didn’t tell me until after third period.”

  “Wait. You didn’t tell her?” Eric asked.

  “Nope. I figured if the guys saw her sexy undies, she’d get a few more dates!”

  The table erupted in laughter and I punched her in the arm.

  We finished up our pizza and the guys insisted on paying. We were sipping the last our of sodas when Jake shocked us with a question. “Do you girls have any ideas who might be behind the explosion? Any theories?”

  “Um. Nope.”

  “Nada. Nothing.”

  We’re the worst liars on the planet.

  “We’ve got a couple leads we’re checking out tomorrow, but I wanted to see if you had any ideas.”

  “Who are you interviewing tomorrow?” I asked.

  Eric answered, “We’ve been trying to track down Roberta’s daughter. She was with her at Home Depot when Roberta attacked the cop car, but she fled when the police got involved.”

  I looked at Ulyssa. We knew where to find her.

  “We could show you,” I said.

  “We can’t let you go on an official investigation with us,” Jake said.

  “But you’ll let a couple of Sherlocks destroy an official crime scene?” Ulyssa responded.

  “Touche’. We’ll pick you up at 8AM tomorrow. Where do you live?”

  “We’ll meet you at Starbuck’s in the morning and we’re driving ourselves.”

  “Okay. Sounds like a plan.”

  “Thank y’all for dinner.”

  “Thanks. We’ll see ya in the morning,” I said, giving them a wave.

  The following morning, we parked the Sidekick in the Starbuck’s parking lot and made our way inside. I ordered a triple Ve
nti mocha cause it was going to be a triple espresso kind of day. Ulyssa ordered a triple Venti Carmel Machiatto. We’re both going to be high octane today! The guys arrived shortly after us and waited while we accessorized our coffees with sleeves and splash sticks.

  “So, where are we going today?” Jake asked.

  “We’re paying a visit to her boyfriend’s Grandma,” Ulyssa answered.

  “Where does she live?”

  “You’ll see. Just follow us and try to keep up,” I taunted him.

  “No way. Ulyssa, you ride with the Deputy and I’m riding with Shasta,” Jake said. “My instinct tells me you two are up to something.”

  “What?” we both protested.

  “Not optional,” Jake said, opening the passenger door to the Sidekick to climb inside.

  Ulyssa and Eric stomped back to the squad car.

  I started up the Sidekick and said, “You are RUDE!”

  “Thanks. Nobody has ever said that to my face. I appreciate the honesty,” he smirked. “There is something a little off kilter about you girls and I just can’t put my finger on it.”

  “What? We’re just a couple good ol’ country girls.”

  “See that’s the thing. You are good girls, but you get nervous real easy, real quick! And that’s how most criminals act.”

  I jumped when a horn honked behind us. I looked in the rearview and saw Ulyssa lean back into her seat and throw her hands in the air at me.

  “Okay okay. We’re going,” I mumbled.

  Jake’s cop instincts were spot on, so I tried to be silent the whole ride to avoid any more suspicion. My entire body felt tense like he was going to trick me into a confession on the short drive to Tornado.

  “I hope I didn’t offend you,” he opened, lightly touching my hand startling me out of my paranoia.

  My foot slammed the gas pedal as I jerked the wheel sharply towards him.

  “Watch where you’re going!” he screeched, grabbing the dashboard with both hands as the Sidekick careened off the road toward a drainage ditch. I jerked the wheel to the left steering the truck across a giant sinkhole. The impact of the front right tire hitting into the hole slammed Jake’s head against the window and choked me against the seatbelt. We both landed hard against the seat as the back half of the truck sank into the hole. I stared in horror as a cardboard box tumbled out the back and hung suspended in the air as we sped off in the Sidekick.

  Where the hell did that come from?

  Eric had followed the truck off the road worried that something was wrong. It was too late for him to realize that I had just steered him towards a giant sinkhole. The box crashed into the windshield of the Crown Victoria as their front tires hit the hole. Scarfs, glasses and other items flew in every direction around the car. The cardboard box slid backwards over the top of the car revealing the shocked faces of Ulyssa and Eric. Ulyssa’s mouth was open in a scream and Eric had both hands white-knuckled on the steering wheel. I kept my foot on the accelerator. We needed to get away from here so they wouldn’t find the evidence I’d just scattered all over the road.

  “Shasta. Shasta. Please slow down or you’re going to flip this thing,” Jake pleaded.

  I checked to make sure the police cruiser hadn’t stopped and eased up on the accelerator. Jake was right and I didn’t want to add a rollover to today’s adventure. We wove our way around the mountains, away from the city before turning onto a dirt road. The house was another two miles down the dirt road. It was a small ranch house with a dirt lot in front for parking. It looked out of place in the middle of the woods with amateur landscaping and fencing. An elderly lady dressed in a flowery moo-moo walked out of the house and stood on the porch waiting for us to exit the cars. She stroked the chicken perched on her shoulder and waved her gnarled walking stick at us. She looked like the lead character in a ‘Pirates of the Appalachians’ movie. “Good Morning! What can I do ya for?”

  “Good morning. We’re looking for Ms. Rhonda Smith. Is she on the premises?” Jake asked.

  “Whut?” she replied, leaning over to spit a stream of tobacco into the rose bush amplifying her pirate persona. She didn’t like dealing with police officers, so I decided to intervene to speed things along.

  “Morning, Maud. Have you seen Rhonda?” I asked. “She ain’t in trouble. We just need to talk to her.”

  “I reckon. C’mon in.”

  I gave Jake a smug look and followed her inside.

  “Rhhhhooonnndddaaaa. You got company.” The chicken didn’t even flinch when she yelled down the hallway. She turned back to us asking, “Y’all want a cup of coffee?”

  “No thank you, ma’am,” Eric answered for the group.

  Maud hobbled over and sank down into an old recliner. The chicken moved off her shoulder and perched on the back of the chair. I suppressed my gag reflexes as I thought about what the back side of that chair probably looked like. She grabbed an old cup off her side table and spit another stream of tobacco juice into it.

  “Rrrhhooonnndddaaa...gityerassouthere...yougotcompany!”

  I flinched at the unexpected redneck yodel.

  An elderly woman shuffled down the hall.

  “Maud,” she whistled through her rotten teeth, “Were you a-hollering for me?”

  “Is your name Rhonda?”

  “Well, I reckon not. It’s Ida.”

  “Then I wasn’t hollering for you. Lord a-mercy you wear me out. If I wasn’t getting a state check for you...” She didn’t get a chance to finish her threat because Rhonda finally emerged from the back of the house. The sweet stench of marijuana followed her into the front room. I looked at Jake and Eric. They seemed to notice the fragrance, but chose to ignore it.

  “What do you want, Maud?” Rhonda walked into the kitchen and grabbed some Doritos.

  “These folks are here to see you,” she replied, leaning over to spit again.

  Rhonda turned her glazed eyes in our direction and said, “I don’t think I know y’all.”

  Jake stood up and flashed his credentials. “Special Agent McCallister FBI. I have a few questions about your mother.”

  Comprehension dawned behind the drugged stare. “Dang, man. How did you find me?”

  “That’s not what’s important. We have some questions for you about your mother. If you cooperate with the investigation, we’ll ignore your recreational activities.”

  “Dang, man...” She seemed to relent as she sat down and started consuming Doritos. “I didn’t do nothing.”

  “You’re mother is being held on multiple charges, including assault and obstruction of justice. What were you doing at Home Depot that day?” Jake asked, pulling his notepad and pen out of his jacket.

  “We were just shopping.” Crunch. Crunch.

  “Please excuse my skepticism, but you and your mom don’t strike me as construction workers. So, why don’t you just tell me the truth.”

  Crunch. Crunch. “Fine. We run a shoplifting ring and one of our customers wanted one of them fancy outdoor fireplaces.”

  “You were at Home Depot to steal an outdoor fireplace?” Jake asked, staring at her.

  “Yup.”

  “How were you planning to steal it?”

  “We were going to load it into a buggy and go through the self service scanner line. I was going to pay for a small item, like a pack of lightbulbs, then momma was going to cause a scene with her scooter to distract the cashier working the scanners. While she was distracted I would pretend to scan the fireplace. Then I would grab the receipt and we’d walk straight out the door.” She made a beeping noise that sounded exactly like a scanner. “That’s the Home Depot scanner. I can do Wal-Mart, Target and Piggly Wiggly too.” She did a few more beeps for us. I was throughly impressed. They had shoplifting down to a science.

  “What was your mom doing chasing the police car?”

  “I’m not to sure about all that. All I know is that she sent me in ahead of her, so I could get the cart loaded up before she came in. She wanted to mi
nimize the amount of time she was in the store because anybody in a scooter draws attention in a home improvement store. All the associates are always asking if she needs help or anything. She just wanted to drive in, meet me by the lighting, then checkout. But something happened and she didn’t show up. So, I executed our emergency plan.” Crunch. Crunch.

  “Which is...”

  “If she doesn’t show up within twenty minutes, I’m supposed to leave the store and go into hiding. So, that’s what I did. I have no idea why she was chasing a police car.” She put a corner of the Doritos bag into her mouth and tilted it into the air, shaking the remaining crumbs into her mouth.

  “Were you working with someone else?”

  “No. We only work together. Keep it in the family. We don’t want to share the profits,” she explained, running her hand around the inside of the bag so she could suck the cheese residue off her fingers.

  “You sure your mom wasn’t working with someone on the side without your knowledge?”

  “No way. She hates people.”

  Jake looked at Eric, who nodded in agreement.

  “Well, thank you for your time.” We stood up and walked toward the door

  Ida stepped out of the shadows in the hallway where she had been hiding during the whole conversation. She had an evil grin on her face with her rotten teeth creating a black rim on the inside of her red lipsticked mouth.

  “Maud, if they’re FBI don’t you reckon you should tell them about the moonshine machine out back behind your rose garden.”

  Jake and Eric paused at the doorway to process this revelation then walked out the door. The sound of a stoned Rhonda laughing hysterically was cutoff when we closed the sliding glass door behind us.

  Jake decided to ride back to town with Eric. He claimed it was so they could talk over the new evidence, but I think he was a little afraid of my driving.

  “What a day?” I sighed.

  “No kidding. I can’t believe the evidence flew out the back of the Sidekick and hit us. I forgot it was even back there!”

  “How DID it get back there?”

  “I boxed all the evidence up yesterday and stuck it in the back of the truck. I guess I forgot to zip up the back.”

  “And you forgot to tell me I was hauling it around. What if Jake or somebody woulda found it?”