Fat Assassins (The Fat Adventure Series) Page 22

  “Ain’t no point getting hostile, at least we don’t have to worry about disposing of it now!”

  “I ‘bout had a heart attack when the scarfs went flying everywhere,” I said.

  “You should have seen it from my perspective. I coulda swore we were busted when that bottle of acetone flew out of the box.”

  “Jake did’t get a chance to see the evidence. I smacked his head against the window when I hit the sinkhole.” That made us laugh.

  “That was the first time I’d ever heard Deputy Hodde swear! He yelled ‘Damn!’ and grabbed the steering wheel with both hands when the cardboard covered the windshield. We had no idea what we’d hit because we couldn’t see anything!”

  Maybel had the best lunch special in town, so I instinctively drove straight there.

  “Damn. How are we supposed to kill Marcus if we can’t get rid of these two?” I complained, as the guys pulled the cruiser into the spot behind us.

  “They can’t help it. It’s like your cooty-cat is a law dawg beacon, kinda like the bat signal. Besides we can find out what they’re doing next.”

  Ulyssa and I sat on one side of the booth forcing Eric and Jake to cram in the other seats. It was like putting two angry bulls in the same pen. I got a small sense of satisfaction watching them trying to avoid touching each other. We had just ordered four of the lunch specials when a voice crackled over the police radio, “Deputy Hodde, dispatch.”

  Eric grabbed his radio and responded, “Dispatch, Hodde.”

  “Ginger, the pig, is at the Post Office. Request assistance getting her to vacate the premises.”

  “Roger that dispatch. En route.”

  “Sorry y’all. Looks like Ginger made her monthly trip to the post office. I gotta get her back home. Every time she comes to town it causes traffic delays because of the rubbernecking. Then she plops down on the steps and nobody can get in or out of the Post Office.”

  Jake started laughing. “Duty calls. Don’t worry I’ll keep these two lovely ladies company while you’re gone,” he teased, with a smile.

  “How do you get her home?” I asked, turning to Eric.

  “She loves Strawberry shredded wheat, so I leave a trail of them back to the farm. Works every time. For the cost of a box of cereal, order is restored to Nitro,” he finished, giving me a lopsided grin.

  “You don’t think you’re reinforcing her bad behavior?” Jake asked.

  “She’s been coming to town for years now. Long before I joined the force. In the olden days, folks were just stuck in the Post Office until she decided to move. They were pretty happy when I figured out how to get her to go home. Unfortunately, they call me every time she does it now.”

  He dropped a twenty on the table to help pay for lunch.

  “We still going to interview Ronnie Becknauld this afternoon?” he asked Jake.

  “Yeah. I’ll meet you at the station about four.”

  “Sounds good. See ya then.”

  I watched him walk away and sighed. Jake leaned over and touched the inside of my elbow. I instinctually flailed at his nearness to my gun holster and knocked my soda in his lap.

  “I don’t know whether to be flattered or insulted that you inflict damage each time I touch you,” he said, drying off his lap.

  I flamed red and purple.

  “I think you should take it as a compliment!” Ulyssa laughed, standing up. “I’m outta here. I’ve got some stuff to take care of. Can I get the truck keys?”

  “I’ll come with you. I’m done with lunch.”

  “It’s just a couple of errands I need to run. By myself. Why don’t you keep Jake company? Keys please.”

  I handed her my keys asking, “What time you gonna pick me up?”

  “Jake, if I’m not back in a couple hours can you drop Shasta off at the house?” she asked him, snatching the keys.

  “No!”

  “Sure!”

  And she was gone.

  “Sorry about dumping soda on your lap,” I mumbled.

  “That’s okay. You almost killed me today and that’s a lot worse than having a drink dumped on me.”

  “Sorry about that too, but you chose to ride with me. Why are y’all going to interview Ronnie?”

  “The guys at the task force ordered Chinese the other day and the delivery guy gave them a tip on Ronnie. He said Ronnie was dangerous and responsible for multiple hate crime incidents. We have to check it out just to be sure. I don’t see how a hate crime could be tied to the explosion, but you never know. The more I find out about the residents of Nitro, the weirder the whole incident feels. It’s almost like everybody and nobody has a good motive for blowing up the substation.”

  I got fidgety as he looked at me with a thoughtful gaze.

  “Yeah. You never know. The perp could be in this diner right now.” Bubbles of hysterical laughter erupted from me.

  “That would be one ballsy criminal. To be this close to the heat. That type of arrogance will get them caught. It always does.”

  He handed the waitress the money for the meal and motioned for us to leave. I took another sip of my soda to give myself a second to regain my composure.

  “What did you have planned for the rest of the day?”

  “Just going to hang out in town. See what’s going on? Don’t you have police work to do?”

  “Not until 4PM, Romero is still in Charleston. So I’ll just keep you company.”

  “You are so annoying!”

  “I thought Southern women were supposed to be polite and charming!”

  “Ha. I’m more hillbilly than southern belle,” I replied, grinning as an evil thought entered my head. “I was just heading over to the beauty salon. I’m sure you have better things to do, so I’ll see ya later.”

  “I’ll join you. I may get some more leads while we’re there. You know what they say about Barber and Beauty shops,” he said, matching my stride.

  I replied with an annoyed groan.

  We walked a few blocks down main street stopping in front of a window covered in stenciled lettering.

  Jake started laughing at the sign saying, “The Best Little Hair House? That’s the best salon name that I’ve ever heard.”

  “Peggy, the owner, doesn’t think so. She keeps getting confused men in there asking for hooker services.”

  This made him laugh harder.

  The bells above the door tinkled pleasantly as I stepped into the salon. The smell of a spa or hair salon instantly relaxes me. I was transitioning into relaxed Shasta mode when I noticed Roberta under one of the hair driers.

  Why isn’t she in jail?

  I turned left and made my way over to Peggy who was working the desk.

  “Hey Peggy! How’s it going?”

  “Hey Shasta honey! I’m doing good. What can I do for ya?”

  “Do you have any openings for a pedicure?”

  “It’s been a little busy today since Sheila ain’t come in yet. She’s been so unreliable since Rick left town with that floozy, Emma.”

  “What?”

  “You ain’t heard?”

  “No.”

  She leaned over the counter and motioned me forward. “I reckon her husband was cheating on her with Emma DuBois. She found them together over at Buck’s one night and there was a big ta-doo over it. From what I hear, she went nuts and tried to kill him and Emma with a grenade, but luckily Bob and Billy was there to stop her. I guess Rick and Emma ran off together that night and nobody has heard from them since. Some folks think Salvo got a-hold of ‘em and we ain’t never going to see them again.”

  I shivered at that dark reality.

  “I know. But the cops can’t prove it was Salvo because they can’t find the bodies. Poor Sheila ain’t been the same since them two disappeared. I feel sorry for her and that’s the only reason I ain’t fired her yet, even though I’ve had to start relying on my part timers too much. But that’s enough gossip. I got too much work to sit here gabbing all day,” she paused, leaning
back and flipping through her schedule book. “There’s an opening in about thirty minutes if you don’t mind waiting?”

  “Sounds good.”

  She scribbled my name down in the book and looked over my shoulder at Jake. “What about your friend there?”

  “Oh, I think he wants a pedicure too. If you have another opening.”

  She looked at the book again saying, “I can schedule him after you, if you want.”

  “Perfect,” I said, smiling innocently at Jake.

  “Okay. I’ll give you a call when it’s your turn.”

  “Thanks.”

  I grabbed a magazine and sat down on the white leather sofa. Jake looked through the magazine selection before sitting down on the sofa empty handed.

  “I made you an appointment too.”

  “What?”

  “I made you a pedicure appointment. If you want to hang out in the salon you have to get a service,” I lied.

  “I see what you’re trying to do and you can’t get rid of me that easily. I’m secure in my masculinity and a little pedicure won’t bother me.”

  I raised the magazine to cover my face from Roberta’s view. I kept peeking over the edge at her waiting for her to leave. Maria Grant planted herself squarely in front of me making me shriek.

  “Ah! Shasta! Give me a hug! I’m glad to see you. Where’s Ulyssa?”

  I gave her a hug and mentally prepared myself to withstand her Sith powers. “She’s, um, at the library.”

  “Aw, that’s my daughter. So, smart,” she said, releasing me from the hug. I sat back down. Her gaze shifted to Jake and she patted her hair. “Dios Mios, who is this handsome devil?”

  “Mrs. Grant, this is FBI Special Agent Jake McCallister. Jake, this is Ulyssa’s mom, Maria Grant.”

  He stood up and shook her hand. “Pleasure to meet you ma’am.”

  “Are you two on a date?”

  “No!” I said.

  “Yes!” Jake said. This was obviously his way of paying me back for the pedicure.

  “Shasta! You’re a good girl. Be careful. You’re a-dating the Deputy too? It’s bad to date too many men. I already a-tell you... there is no patron saint for STDs,” she scolded, wagging her finger at Jake. “You a-better be a gentleman. Shasta is a good girl!”

  “Yes, ma’am. I only have the best of intentions,” he said.

  She seemed placated by his response.

  “You’re here for a pedicure? C’mon on back.”

  I stood up to follow her. “You too. I think you need to soak your feet longer. Men’s feet always need longer soaking.”

  Jake followed us down the hallway. I turned my head sideways as I walked past Roberta trying to avoid her gaze. Maria waved us into a room full of massage chairs with buckets of water at the foot of the chair.

  “Sit down. Mindy will be here in a minute.”

  Mindy walked in and stopped short when she saw Jake sitting next to me. “Hey Shasta,” she said, without taking her eyes off Jake.

  “Hey Mindy. This is Jake. He’s getting a pedicure too.”

  “Ok. Cool.” Mindy was in her second year at community college, so she’s still boy crazy and Jake had certainly gained her attention. She told me to roll up my pant legs to start soaking my feet. I sighed as I slid my feet into the hot, vibrating water.

  “You’ll need to take your pants off,” she said, looking at Jake. “I can’t do your pedicure with those pant legs like that.”

  “What?” I protested, squeezing my eyes tightly closed.

  “Sure. No problem.”

  I heard him shuffling and rustling.

  “Good. Now you can sit down and put your feet in the bucket.” I heard Mindy scooting a chair up to my feet. She grabbed my right foot and started to work on it. I felt my body relax and I forgot Jake was even there. Thirty minutes later my feet were fully scrubbed and ready for polish.

  “Shasta. I need ya to pick your color.”

  I opened my eyes and turned towards the tray on my left. My eyes landed on a half naked Jake. He was stretched out in the chair with his muscled legs extending into the soapy water. My face flushed. Damn. I shut my eyes to block out the sexy image. I grabbed the nearest bottle from the tray without looking and shoved it at her.

  “You sure?” she asked.

  “Yup.”

  “Okay. It’s a bold choice, but I like it.”

  When she was done painting my toenails, she stared at my face closely. “Your pores are bad. I think you need a facial too. I’ll put some creme on while you wait for your toes to dry.”

  “Cool. Thanks. Can you put cucumbers on my eyes too?”

  I heard more rustling, then she massaged facial creme over my face. I released my eyelids when she laid the cool cucumbers over my eyes. I felt myself lulled to sleep by the soft sound of mood music.

  “Shasta. Shasta. You’re snoring.”

  “Whrat?”

  “Wake up. You’re snoring,” Mindy said, pulling the cucumbers off my eyes.

  “Are we done?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Is Jake decent now?”

  “He’s got his pants back on, if that’s what you mean.”

  I heard him chuckle and cautiously opened my eyes. I felt so refreshed.

  “Thanks Mindy.”

  I looked down at my bright purple toenails and gasped. That’s what I get for picking with my eyes closed.

  “I think it looks really good.”

  “I agree. Your toenails look fantabulous!” Jake commented, as he led the way to the front of the salon.

  “Hey. Don’t I know you?” Roberta asked, sitting in a haircut chair with her back to us, glaring at me from her mirrored reflection.

  “I don’t think so,” I said, walking to the counter.

  “Wait just a minute. Spin me around, Sheila.”

  “You sure look familiar.” She squinted harder. “I know I’ve seen you somewhere before. I never forget a face.”

  “I used to work at Wal-Mart,” I offered.

  “Hmmm. Spin me back around Sheila.” She didn’t look convinced and continued to stare at me as we walked up to the cash register.

  Sheila used an oversized pick to distractedly fluff Roberta’s new perm. She looked depressed and oblivious to everything around her. I felt a twinge of pity for her. Then I remembered that she was partly to blame for our turn to organized crime and the pity evaporated.

  Mindy had followed us back to the front and leaned against the counter giving Jake full view down her top, while Peggy took our money. “Did y’all enjoy your visit today?”

  “Yeah. It was so relaxing.”

  “How about you, sir? You’re the first man we’ve ever had come in for a treatment. Maybe you’ll start a new trend. Some of the men around here could sure use a softer touch.”

  “Yeah. It was my first pedicure and I enjoyed it. I’ll have to wear shorts next time though, so I don’t have to take my pants off.” Mindy suddenly decided she had some work to do and backed away from the counter.

  “What?” Peggy asked, looking outraged.

  “I had to take my pants off because of the pant legs.”

  “That’s not required for pedicures. Normally you just roll the pant leg up to the calf. And judging from the style of your slacks, that wouldn’t have been a problem. I will have a talk with Miss Mindy to make sure this doesn’t happen again.”

  “It’s okay. I don’t want to get anybody in trouble. It wasn’t a big deal,” Jake said, trying to do damage control.

  “No, sir. It is a big deal. I do not run that type of establishment,” she replied, switching back into customer service mode. “Thank you for your business and I sure hope we see y’all again.”

  Traffic on main street had picked up as the work day was coming to a close.

  “Why isn’t Roberta still in jail? I thought she was being held in Charleston for questioning?”

  “There wasn’t enough evidence to detain her any longer and she wasn’t giving us a
ny information,” he answered, leaning close enough I could smell his cologne. “Plus now we can surveil her to get some leads.”

  “Oh. Okay.”

  “She seemed to know you.”

  “I don’t know her, know her. I used to work at Wal-Mart. She came through my line a couple times. But that’s the same for just about everybody else in Nitro too.”

  “Well, be careful. She’s a dangerous criminal and I don’t want to see you get hurt messing with a bunch of lowlifes.”

  “You have no idea.”

  “Huh?”

  “Yeah. Me either.”

  “In fact,” he said, reaching in his pocket to pull out a business card. “Here’s my card. Give me a call anytime. If you get into trouble, wreck your truck, or just want somebody to talk to.”

  I took his card and said, “Thanks.”

  He pulled his cell phone from his pocket and checked the caller ID. “Give me a second. I need to take this call. It’s Romero.”

  I hovered nearby catching streams of the conversation.

  “What’s up... yeah, I’m keeping an eye on her... no, nothing suspicious... that’s interesting... ok...”

  The phone call made me a little nervous and my overactive paranoid streak didn’t need any fuel. I walked away, so he wouldn’t notice me eavesdropping. The chimes protested loudly as the salon door slung open to reveal an irate Roberta. I guess the whole scooter thing was just a part of her shoplifting act because she was very quick on her feet.

  Jake paused his cell phone conversation and turned to watch Roberta bearing down on me.

  “I knew I recognized you!” she yelled, tackling me, “You’re that Mexican!”

  Chaos surrounded me as I forced my eyes open with a groan.

  “Shhh. It’s okay. You’re safe now,” Jake whispered, leaning down to help me sit up.

  I pressed my arm against my holster and exhaled. Thank goodness my gun was still there. “Don’t touch me. I’m fine.”

  He held his hands in the air. “We need to get you in the truck. Can you stand up on your own?”

  I tried to sit up and my head spun.