Fat Assassins (The Fat Adventure Series) Page 25

  We started laughing at our ridiculous situation.

  “Hey! Less laughing and more digging!” Marcus yelled from his perch.

  “You’re a great friend!” Ulyssa said.

  “You too!”

  We hugged each other.

  “What the hell is wrong with you two? This ain’t a damn slumber party. DIG!”

  We turned back to our shovels and he returned to his cell phone. This time it sounded like he was yelling at someone in Italian.

  Clang. Clang. Ulyssa dug out another metal NERF object. “What is this?”

  “I think it’s some rich person’s yard game or something. I just threw mine over there.” I pointed towards the chair and Ulyssa lobbed it over next to mine.

  A few minutes later I unearthed another one, threw it over my shoulder and went back to digging. A booming shockwave knocked us onto our stomach as dirt started raining into the grave.

  Ulyssa started screaming, “We need more time! We’re big girls! The hole’s not big enough!”

  We lay there shaking and waiting for the final shots to finish us off, but the bullets never came.

  “I don’t want to move, just in case he thinks he already killed us,” she whispered. “If we pretend to be dead, maybe he’ll just go away.”

  “Not likely,” I pointed to giant pile of dirt waiting to cover the hole. “He’ll just bury us alive.”

  We remained motionless for a few more seconds.

  “Something’s wrong,” I said, edging over to the dirt wall and slowly raised my head like a meerkat to look over at the chair. “What the...”

  “What?” my fellow meerkat asked, popping her head over the dirt. “JMJ! What happened?”

  Marcus and the foldout chair had been replaced with a giant hole.

  “Do you think he was hit my a meteor?”

  “All I know, is that our guardian angels are working overtime to keep us alive.”

  “Let’s get outta here!” I said, starting to claw my way out of the hole, but I kept sliding back down. “This isn’t going to work.”

  “Get on your knees. I’ll step on your back. Once I’m out, I’ll help pull you out.”

  I dropped down to my knees and braced. She put one foot on my upper back and the second on my lower back. With a little bounce, she jumped high enough to lock her arms against the ground and pulled her lower body out of the hole.

  I jumped up asking, “How are we going to do this?”

  “Give me your hands.”

  I pressed my chest into the dirt wall and extended my hands to her. She grasped my wrists and leaned back. I felt my chest dragging along the rough dirt as my feet left the ground. Bobbing flashlights moving at the edge of the woods caught her eyes. “Uh-oh! We need to hurry.”

  I hung suspended while she shuffled her feet backwards for better leverage. “Uuggghhhh,” she grunted, giving a final tug as she fell backwards, pulling me further out of the hole. I swung my legs over the edge and staggered to my feet. We could hear distant voices closing in.

  “We need to move,” she whispered, starting to move away from the voices.

  We stumbled through the woods for what seemed like an eternity before we reached the highway leading back to Nitro. We walked along the tree line so we could hightail it if one of Marcus’s men or the FBI showed up.

  “Do you think we killed him?” I asked.

  “If he was within three feet of that chair... he’s dead.”

  “Do you feel guilty?”

  “Nope. You?”

  “No. I feel relieved to still be alive.”

  “Me too.”

  “Does that make us bad people?”

  “I don’t think so. It was self-defense,” she said, sounding so logical. “But I don’t want to make a career of it, if that’s what you’re asking...” she stopped walking.

  Tall lights and the tinny sounds of Whitesnake reverberated down the road.

  “Should we chance it?” I asked.

  “The mobsters didn’t strike me as hair band kinda guys, so I think we should chance it.”

  We stepped away from the woods and edged closer to the road getting ready to flag down the vehicle. As the lights and music got closer, Ulyssa tried to step back towards the woods.

  “Aw, hell no!”

  “What? Where are you going?”

  A Toyota with giant mud tires rolled to a stop and I suddenly understood Ulyssa’s anxiety. The Whitesnake music faded away and Johnny rolled down the passenger window.

  “Well, well. Hello ladies! You need a ride?”

  “Yes!”

  “No! We’re fine!”

  I stomped over to her and whispered, “Ulyssa I’m exhausted and there’s no telling how close the mobsters are. Now get in the damn truck!”

  She wasn’t used to me being bossy and puffed up. “No! I’m not riding with him. He’s going to think it’s a date and I’m never gonna get rid of him.”

  I looked up at a grinning Johnny and conceded that she was probably right, but right now we need a ride. “Deal with it.”

  “We can wait, someone else will be along shortly.”

  “I’m getting in that truck. You can wait if you want too,” I said, reaching up to open the door.

  “Okay. Fine.”

  “Great. You ride in the middle.”

  “You’re such a beotch!” she growled at me.

  “I consider this payback for making me date Jake. Now we’re even.”

  We climbed inside the truck. The cab was so small, she was forced to straddle the gear shift. It didn’t help that I was insisting she scoot over some because I couldn’t shut the door. I was rewarded with an elbow in the ribcage. Johnny was grinning from ear to ear at his good fortune. “What are y’all doing all the way out here walking around at night?”

  “None of your business!” Ulyssa snapped.

  “Okay, okay. Fair enough. Where ya heading?”

  “Home.”

  “Home it is,” he said, putting the truck in gear leaving his right hand on the gearshift.

  I stared at a dreamcatcher suspended from his rear view mirror. It looks vaguely familiar.

  Ulyssa’s hairclip!

  Ulyssa noticed it too asking, “Where did you get that dreamcatcher?”

  “I made it,” he replied.

  “Where did you get those very unique feathers?”

  “I think you know.”

  “You jumped me in the haunted house!”

  “I didn’t attack you. I was trying to be romantic. You attacked me and about broke my arm.” She started attacking him sideways, making the truck swerve all over the road.

  “Stop it!” I screamed. “Stop it before you kill us all!”

  Ulyssa punched him in the ribcage, knocking the breath out of him.

  “Can’t you see how much I care about you? You wrecked my truck and bout broke my arm, but I still want to be with you!”

  She shook her head and stared forward. He mistook her cold demeanor for affection and would drop his hand onto her knee each time he shifted gears. She would grab his hand and sling it to the side. After he’d shifted the truck into fifth gear and we’d reached sixty MPH, he let his hand rest on the gearshift with his arm pressed against her thigh. She endured this contact until we pulled up to a red light on the way into Nitro when he downshifted, using the opportunity to rub her leg. She tried to twist her body to punch him and when that didn’t work she tried to give him a sideways head-butt. All she managed to do was smack him in the face with her hair.

  “You’re hair smells real earthy. Like one of them fancy New York shampoos or perfumes.”

  “I smell like dirt. Not perfume.”

  “Whatever it is... it’s dang sexy. Like one of the applediziacs.”

  “Aphrodisiac,” she corrected him.

  “Yeah. That’s it. You’re so smart,” he said, giving her a longing look, as she stared straight ahead ignoring him. He pulled the truck into our driveway. “Here ya are.”

&nb
sp; “Thanks Johnny. We sure appreciate the ride,” I said, climbing out of the truck.

  “No problem. I’d do anything for my girl.” He shifted in his seat trying to kiss Ulyssa as she scrambled out of the truck.

  All he got was a mouthful of her hair saying, “Mmmm. It even tastes earthy.”

  She jumped down from the truck and slammed the door. He sat there with starry eyes watching Ulyssa as we walked into the trailer.

  “I spent the whole night dreaming about shovels, meteors and hotplates. Woke up feeling like I hadn’t slept a wink.”

  “Tell me about it. I dreamt about being a professional assassin and riding motorcycles everywhere,” Ulyssa said.

  “Maybe we’ll get motorcycles one day. Not to be assassins or anything,” I clarified. “It just looks like fun riding them.”

  “Maybe when we win the lottery we can afford to buy one,” she laughed. “Sorry, that didn’t come out right.”

  “Haha. Very funny,” I said, throwing a pillow at her. “Speaking of money, how are we going to collect from Nicolo? He won’t come back to town with all the law enforcement here.”

  “I don’t know. We don’t have much money left, so I hope he hurries up.”

  “Do you think he’ll know it was us and not one of the other assassins?”

  “I don’t know. I guess we’ll have to wait for him to contact us.”

  “Do you think the FBI will figure out what happened?”

  “I sure hope not. Shasta...”

  “What?”

  “It’s a little early in the morning for an inquisition.”

  “Oh, sorry. I’m still jittery from almost being murdered.”

  “One blended mocha coming right up.”

  We spent the morning drinking our blended mochas and watching the news. There wasn’t any information on Marcus, but the FBI had arrested a group of Mexican drug dealers near Charleston last night. Information about a meeting between the dealers and an American distributor was the result of a four year undercover sting operation. Officials weren’t releasing names or personal information on the suspects yet because they haven’t been able to locate the American contact.

  “Do you think those were the Mexicans that Marcus was supposed to meet?”

  “I think so,” Ulyssa answered. “I can’t believe someone named Jesus was running a drug operation. We’re lucky that you freak out under pressure and say silly stuff. Otherwise Marcus wouldn’t have believed your story about being hired by the Mexicans.”

  All we have to do now is collect our payment and keep a low profile for a few months until all the Federal agents leave town.

  Any hope of returning to a normal life was squelched by a late afternoon visitor. “Hey Cheri! How have you been?” I asked, genuinely pleased to see her.

  “Doing pretty good. How ‘bout y’all?” she asked, stepping inside the trailer.

  “We’ve had some adventures since we last saw you, but life is good. You want a blended mocha?”

  She looked at our frosty drinks longingly. “I cain’t honey. I have to watch my calories. If I gain weight, they’ll fire me. But I appreciate the offer.”

  She pulled an envelop from her zebra print jacket. “Nicolo had this delivered to the club this morning with instructions for me to bring it to you.”

  Ulyssa took the envelop from her. “Thanks. We’ve been waiting on this.”

  “Well, I better get back to work. Saturday is our busiest day. Don’t be strangers!” she exclaimed, giving each of us a big hug. We stood at the door and waved as she disappeared in her brown Mustang.

  Mitchell waved at us from across the street where he was working on his race car. “Hey there! Who was that hottie?”

  “Just a friend of ours.”

  “C’mon. Hook me up!”

  We laughed and shook our heads at him.

  We shut the door and ripped open the brown envelop hoping to see a pile of cash, but there was only a single piece of paper with one sentence.

  Showboat Casino in Atlantic City on Monday.

  ~ N.

  “What? He wants us to drive to Atlantic City to meet him?” Ulyssa asked.

  “He’s going to kill us. We know his secrets and he probably doesn’t want to pay us,” I said, walking back to the bedroom, grabbing my gun and holster. I pulled it on over my Hello Kitty pajamas and walked back into the living room.

  “I don’t understand. We did the job. Where’s our damn money?”

  “Pull it together.” It’s amazing how confident I felt when I was wearing my Desert Eagle, even in pajamas. “We have to go to Atlantic City, but we need to be prepared to wage war against him and his goons.”

  Ulyssa just stared at me.

  “We’re going to roll into Atlantic City like gangbusters! We’re not going to give him the opportunity to get the drop on us. They’ll underestimate us and we’ll be prepared. So, we use that to our advantage.”

  “Hell yeah!” she said, running back to her room, returning with her gun pulled across her hot lips pajamas. “We’ve stared death in the face and survived. I’m not afraid!”

  “We’ll need to get a few things in order before we leave. Just in case we don’t come back. We’ve got two days to say our goodbyes and get to Atlantic City.”

  She nodded solemnly adding, “We’ll go to Buck’s tonight and say goodbye to our friends. Tomorrow we can stop by your parents’ house for lunch, then my parents for dinner. That way we can be on the road for Atlantic City tomorrow night and drive in shifts.”

  “Sounds good. We’ll need to make a list of supplies to pick up along the way. We can’t buy them all at one store or it might alarm the store clerks,” I said, grabbing a pen and paper. “Rope?”

  “Yes! Just like the Saints! You can always use rope. We’ll need duct tape too.”

  “Okay. We’ll need some of those twist-tie thingies, so we can make homemade handcuffs.” I added it to the list. “How are we doing with ammo?”

  “We have plenty of ammo,” she said, setting the boxes on the table. “We haven’t really used any.”

  I tapped the pen against my lips asking, “What else?”

  “Backpacks? To carry all the stuff?”

  “Oh. Good call. We should take some plastic tarps too. Just in case.”

  “Snacks?”

  “Yeah. We’ll pick up some snacks. It’s not a road trip without snacks. We’ll need a cooler too!”

  “Hacksaw?”

  I stopped writing to ask, “What?”

  “Hacksaw. You know... in case we need to get rid of a body.”

  Bletch. “I’m not sawing up a body!”

  “Okay. How bout matches and lighter fluid? That would be better than the hacksaw. We should probably get a couple of knifes too.”

  “Tape, twist-ties, backpacks, plastic tarps, snacks, matches, lighter fluid, and knifes,” I repeated, ripping the paper out of the notebook. “I think that’ll do it.”

  “Do you think we should do a will?”

  “I hadn’t thought about it.”

  “We could download one from the Internet and leave it in the trailer so someone can find it, if we don’t come back.”

  “We’ll stop by the library tomorrow morning and print out a couple wills. I think that should do it for tonight. We should get ready if we’re going to Buck’s.”

  I looked around the bar with fresh eyes. I’m sure gonna miss this place and our Saturday karaoke tradition.

  Grabbing a couple beers from Buck, we left him a good tip and settled into our usual table. It was still early and the bar crowd was sparse. Recorded music filled the bar while everyone waited on karaoke. Sam was the first from our crew to show up. She seemed in good spirits as she joined us at the table.

  “Guess what? I’m now the lead pharmacy technician!”

  “Woohoo!” we hooted, raising our bottles to toast her good fortune. Mitsy and Mitchell joined the celebration an hour later. Ulyssa even let Johnny join the table with minimal complaint. Bubb
a was the seventh person to pull up a seat at the table. He’d arrived early for karaoke without Becky and seemed pretty upset. The group immediately started needling him with questions trying to find the source of his melancholy.

  Ulyssa was the first person to figure it out asking, “Did you and Becky break up?”

  He dropped his head.

  “Poor Bubba! What happened?” Mitsy asked.

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Was she seeing someone else? We can beat her up if you want,” Ulyssa offered.

  “Hell yeah,” Sam agreed.

  “Nobody messes with Bubba,” Ulyssa declared.

  Everybody looked at me, waiting for me to join in the lynch mob.

  I shrugged adding, “We don’t even know if it was her fault. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be.”

  “What the hell?” Ulyssa asked, challenging my pacifism.

  “No, she’s right. It wasn’t Becky’s fault. Technically,” he said.

  “Well, we’re going to kick her ass unless you tell us what happened,” Sam said, ready for a fight.

  “It’s kinda embarrassing.”

  “It’s okay. We won’t judge,” Mitsy said, patting his hand.

  “Well, she keeps these cases of Beanie Weenies in her truck. For when she’s driving and wants a snack.”

  We all nodded. Beanie Weenies are a staple of Southern snack foods. Right up there with Spam and Vienna Sausages.

  “Well, they give her gas real bad. I understand that everybody gets gas occasionally, but this is just unnatural.”

  We all tried to choke our laughter.

  “So, I gave her an ultimatum. Me or the Beanie Weenies. She picked the Beanie Weenies!”

  We couldn’t contain it any longer. We all started howling with laughter.

  He gave us a pitiful look saying, “I knew you guys wouldn’t understand. She was ‘the one’.”

  “Aww. I’m sorry Bubba,” Mitchell said.

  “Don’t worry. I saw the way she adored you. She’ll be back,” I added.

  “Really? You think so?”

  “Yes. She loves you. You probably just embarrassed her with the whole gas thing. Give her some time to cool off.”

  He brightened a little and said, “I sure hope so. I’ve never met another woman like her before.”